i just went through a gauntlet trying to get to blogger, and by that i mean going through like 2 pages of google stuff. well right now im super sore and miserable, im getting some kind of flu it feels like but i like to tell everyone its either h1n1 or aids. maybe i should throw cancer in there. im feeling right now like i really want to give up on college, i never really liked the idea of it and now im realizing how negatively it effects me. i feel like its not a coincidence that i was depressed in high school, and im starting to get that way again. i want to talk to someone really bad, but the only person i can think of is my sister but i always feel weird about opening up to her. i literally love her more than anything, and she means everything to me, but i still find it easier to let loose on people i barely know. i think it's cause she always came to me, somehow. i feel sore in the weirdest places. sometimes in my darker hours i start wishing things like i didnt care, or could give up on people, but i quickly remember how bad that would be if my wish came true. theres something appalling about personality change to me..i also realized i'm into something stranger than i could have imagined, something any sane person would call awful. and because it doesn't necessarily involve anything unfair, i'm pretty o.k about. still reluctant to tell anybody about it. it is neither poo nor non-human animals, nor is it young humans, dont worry :> i've been feeling so much anger lately, and sometimes i think it reaches a point where it could be considered rage, i hate it. i've never been this way before, but i guess i've never felt things like i do for these two people. i find myself chanting to myself how much i hate them, but i can not stop trying to make things better, its that giving up on people thing. in psychology he went over all sorts of symptoms of general anxiety disorder, i identified with all the ones he listed except sleep deprivation, and since one side of my family has anxiety im kindof scared of that. i refuse to take any pills though, i hope i never get to the point where i decide i want/need to. i'm pretty uneasy with the idea of all these mental things being listed as diseases and such though, like adhd and anxiety. i feel so awful right now, in physical pain (i'm a pansy) and alot of mental pain (i'm also a pansy), i want to scream and/or be held, preferably by michael but i tend not to think of that cause it makes things worse...yeah i'm not writing this paper.
well before a certain someone basically crushed my spirits sunday, this weekend was rad. i went to a birthday, it was the girl who hosted the first furry get together i went to. i gave her two of my books, which to me is a big deal since i have a mild obsession with books, especially MY books. cause theyre obviously awesome, since theyre mine :> well im going to visit guy this weekend at some point, then i'm done driving long distances for awhile. toooo much money, even if i do decide to give up on college. i dont feel like typing anymore, im going to call my sister. lets hope noone comes in the room
