been awhile :) back at trucklite and my own apartment, things are all going well :) i would like to get more in touch ith my spirituality again, so i thought id start going through my book of the pali cannon and reviewing the pages i marked down as especially intriguing to start me off..but thats not gonna happen tonight, and heres why - so my dad and cousin were gonna go see bob dylan tonight, but my cousin had stuff to fix so dad took me along. when we got out of the truck he asked the people in the car next t us if it was ok to tailgate there, as he hadnt been there in years, they said yeah so long as you dont walk around waving a fat one in your hand, and dad was like nah ive just got a skinny one, and i thought nah he's just playin..after we got our tickets we went back to the truck so he could drink, and dad laughed at this guy who had taken a big hit and was hacking, and i was like, so dad, do you really have a skinny one? and hes like oh yeah and whips out this plastic tube from his pocket with a pretty fat joint in it (i had forgotten that he normally refers to blunts as 'fat ones') and i was like DAD OHMYGOD so we had a clambake in the cab..i feel like he thinks of me as an adult now :'D i mean we smoked at the moody blues concert, but i thought that was just cause i passed it to him and it was like a spur of the moment thing for him theeen because we were both pretty well stoned by the time we got to the security check thing to get into the fenced off area, theres was some confusion over dad not having his i.d and getting ex's on his hands even though he wanted to drink..so the security guy just took us over to the bracelet man and i guess told him to give my dad one, so he ended up with ex's and a paper bracelet, and of course i thought the bracelets were just to get in, so i shove my hands up to the bracelet man thinking i just wanted to move along, he looked a little flustered for a second then just put one on me, it didnt occur to me what it was for until we had managed to find our seats..but i didnt feel like drinking anyway, i just sat down and zoned out, was such an awesome show some things occurred to me, including how many guitars these people have, and how sore their fingers must be afterwards DAMN, and also how ive never heard much about the sheer amount of cannabis consumption that goes at classic rock concerts, or maybeall of them for all i know, maybe im just too new and have much to learn

whats wrong with you

the last few months have been busy..made lots of new friends, quit school, experienced emotions like i havent before.

self discovery and assessment/melancholy drama

i just went through a gauntlet trying to get to blogger, and by that i mean going through like 2 pages of google stuff. well right now im super sore and miserable, im getting some kind of flu it feels like but i like to tell everyone its either h1n1 or aids. maybe i should throw cancer in there. im feeling right now like i really want to give up on college, i never really liked the idea of it and now im realizing how negatively it effects me. i feel like its not a coincidence that i was depressed in high school, and im starting to get that way again. i want to talk to someone really bad, but the only person i can think of is my sister but i always feel weird about opening up to her. i literally love her more than anything, and she means everything to me, but i still find it easier to let loose on people i barely know. i think it's cause she always came to me, somehow. i feel sore in the weirdest places. sometimes in my darker hours i start wishing things like i didnt care, or could give up on people, but i quickly remember how bad that would be if my wish came true. theres something appalling about personality change to me..i also realized i'm into something stranger than i could have imagined, something any sane person would call awful. and because it doesn't necessarily involve anything unfair, i'm pretty o.k about. still reluctant to tell anybody about it. it is neither poo nor non-human animals, nor is it young humans, dont worry :> i've been feeling so much anger lately, and sometimes i think it reaches a point where it could be considered rage, i hate it. i've never been this way before, but i guess i've never felt things like i do for these two people. i find myself chanting to myself how much i hate them, but i can not stop trying to make things better, its that giving up on people thing. in psychology he went over all sorts of symptoms of general anxiety disorder, i identified with all the ones he listed except sleep deprivation, and since one side of my family has anxiety im kindof scared of that. i refuse to take any pills though, i hope i never get to the point where i decide i want/need to. i'm pretty uneasy with the idea of all these mental things being listed as diseases and such though, like adhd and anxiety. i feel so awful right now, in physical pain (i'm a pansy) and alot of mental pain (i'm also a pansy), i want to scream and/or be held, preferably by michael but i tend not to think of that cause it makes things worse...yeah i'm not writing this paper.
well before a certain someone basically crushed my spirits sunday, this weekend was rad. i went to a birthday, it was the girl who hosted the first furry get together i went to. i gave her two of my books, which to me is a big deal since i have a mild obsession with books, especially MY books. cause theyre obviously awesome, since theyre mine :> well im going to visit guy this weekend at some point, then i'm done driving long distances for awhile. toooo much money, even if i do decide to give up on college. i dont feel like typing anymore, im going to call my sister. lets hope noone comes in the room

an autumn breeze came in the window

its telling me he still loves me
the scents it carries bring back beloved memories
of playing in the leaves, costumes, candy and his smile
if i would have known these things were all to fade
that the world would make me grow up and his heart to wander
i'd yester release, and wisdom trade

im in correge yey

sittin here sewing, listening to the machine, and i noticed another band called 'samsara blues experiment', which led my idle mind to start pondering samsara, which is basically the world (of il/de-lusion) we live in.i cant remember the exact thoughts that led me to thinking about how when we see things, its only photons bouncing off the object that the pits in our eyes are able to catch, not the actual object. i realized this is similar to how when we talk, its only noises representing objects that we're experiencing, not the object itself. which made me want to go ahead and try to apply this to all the senses. we've covered hearing and seeing, so -
smell -
taste -
touch -
thought -

actually im sure we can all take it from there/im feeling lazy. i dont think this is the definition for or reason behind the idea of samsara, but it certainly supports it well. cause theres always the object thats still there, i mean come on, ITS RIGHT THERE ITS GOTTA BE REAL.
so whats new with me? i actually finished that book with early versions of buddha's sermons. sweet i just got my period, only 2 weeks late! >.> a few weeks ago i went to my first furmeet, at isaac's in pittsburgh, and it..was..AWESOME. one of the best experiences of my life. i had never met anyone there before, barely talked on the website, and i got along so well with everyone and had an incredible amount of fun. i find that amazing, im usually no good interacting with people i dont really know, but i feel like they rather liked me :'D i've found my niche i do believe. the next day i hung out with emily and steve, that was pretty rad as well. it was so pleasant, we made some breakfast (in the afternoon), watched loony toons for awhile then wandered around awhile. i loved the wandering part, i find big cities so fascinating. and it made me realize how much i love wearing a tail. thank god hitch is making me a new one though. im trying to finish a partial suit for halloween, im pretty sure itll get done by then, if its done well beforehand i kindof wanna meet up with a local fur and wander around downtown bradford in it, get the feel of it and such.
lately ryan and rytz have been hosting little shows in and around the crit, thats been pretty awesome. i get to go home on the weekends, and when i get to hang out with friends and jam to some live bands it makes me so happy. i finally got a t-shirt, a black outsiders one. a few weeks ago i was seriously under the influence of alcohol and lamb's breath, and one thought track led to another and i had my second self-induced dmt trip of serious intensity. it was intense, but amazing while it lasted. (haha apparently theres 2 bands called the machine, some kind of techno just started playing) i learned and experienced some important things, but there are 2 unfortunate things about this experience. first, i was in a car full of people so if they tried to interact with me i had no idea and they probably just saw me sitting there looking kindof like :D~ which is mildly embarrassing as i never got to explain myself. second, after the actual trip i got thrown into some kindof hellish bad trip, i blame the alcohol. i was still stuck on the same kind of thought tracks, but in a bad, bad way. for 2 hours. it was so awful, but atleast it was a learning experience. id like to know whether i have a propensity for tripping myself out, or whether it happens to other people alot too but they dont know what it is. if its the second, i think its still kindof rare cause i have yet to hear anything similar being described by anyone.
i could go on to describe dorm life, my love life, how schools going, and other things im sure. but i wont, maybe next time i feel inspired to write here.

been awhile!

i kept thinking about blogging, but ive been down and its hard for me to think of what to write when that happens..ill put buddha words in, but first i want to write about me before i lose my motivation. im back home for the summer, which is awesome for two reasons - being in potter county, and seeing my friends. but it really sucks to think that its only going to be for 2 months..it REALLY sucks. and ive got a job which the lady said ill probably have to put a bunch of overtime in, and since im only going to be here for 2 months im hoping it doesnt last long, because that means the biggest thing id get out of this summer is money. i think if anyone would count that as a good thing they need to get a life. so far though, ive gotten to see some friends and the next few days im going to see more. last weekend dad took me as a surprise to see deep purple..i already made a giant post about that somewhere else so i dont feel like doing it again, but i can summarize by saying it ROCKED MY SOCKS. and i made a friend, hes from the country of georgia, and hes really cool :D id like to have money to go to more concerts, and anthrocon :D~ i was almost hoping id get to go to ac this year but im not taking any of my 2.5 vacation days for that incase i actually get sick or something. i havent touched my hyena head in a few weeks..i guess i feel a little stuck so whenever i think about it im just like nah ill wait till i have more time..then when i have time i forget about it. ah well. well there goes my motivation, until next time

busy day

instead of taking an excerpt from my 'in buddha's words' book, tonight ill be taking 2 things from a book a buddhist monk gave me that was his own, called 'how to practice' by the dalai lama. that was a long sentence..anyway

"I have had the opportunity to meet several people who have attained extraordinary spiritual development. There was a not very scholarly monk from my Namgyel monastery who came out of Tibet to India around 1980. Since we knew eachother we were casually chatting one day. He told me that while he was in a Chinese Communist gulag for almost eighteen years, he faced danger on a few occasions. I thought he was referring to a threat to his own life. But when asked, "What danger?" he answered "Losing compassion toward the Chinese." He considered this to be the danger!" pg. 62, Refraining from Harm
"You too can come to see the hardships you endure as deepening your practice." pg. 79, Extending Help

these are from 2 different chapters. the first one is just so touching an inspiring, ive already remembered it a few times since reading it to help dispel some bad thoughts..and the second illustrates the complete compassion of the dalai lama, who is a model for everyone. if you dont know what hes been through and had to be responsible for, i suggest you do some reading. lets just say the weight of our 'hardships' arent much compared to his..yet he doesnt view it that way. any little struggle, like the bad thoughts i had, are of enough concern to him that he would not only write all of these books for us, but say things like that that put what we endure on a level with him. to truly care and find significance in our little troubles, and to illustrate with his own experiences how we can help ourselves..this is why this is what ive chosen. i want to become more loving and kind. really think about what this prayer means and suggests:
As long as the sky exists
And as long as there are sentient beings,
May I remain to help
Relieve them of all their pain.
i have such anger towards people for what theyre doing to the earth, and what theyre not doing, i know any good buddhist would tell me i should just have compassion for them, these ideas of theirs doesnt make them any different from me, there is no reason at all for anger towards these people, and anger towards the situation wont help any. i just need to always keep these things in my mind, along with the story of the gulag prisoner.


as for today, it was busy and towards the end i got rather stressed and then me and heidi had a talk and now i feel frazzled..i want to go to bed, i really dont know if michael makes the same effort as i do every day to try to get a chance to talk to him, but that doesnt really matter, i know he loves me..i got stressed from hurrying to finish cleaning this car before dark or supper was ready, i thought more time had passed than did and i was freaking out thinking heidi would be done by the time i was back in the house and i knew i wasnt doing a great job cause i was hurrying and UGH but it turns out i made it back in surprisingly good time...but on top of that i didnt do any homework all week, i created a little stress pickle for myself today. but it was a prodective day, i think i made heidi a little proud, i got to spend some awesome time with the neighbors' dogs which also made them happy probably, i got offered to be able to come help out cooking at this little youth group thing (i wonder if theyd still let me if they knew about my flamboyant atheism LOL well they never asked). yesterday im almost positive i found out what a certain monthly problem is, and am making good progress on my fursuit head. this post seemingly has contradictions in it, but i assure you i am aware of things and that makes it a little better im sure :)